Usher being performed by the animatronic bears at Showbiz pizza

I honestly have no words. I want to see the Country Bears remixed with Lil Kim.

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When gay men use their powers for evil.

(via Wonkette)

While Hillary changes her mind about DNC rules, compares her struggle to Zimbabwe (uhhh…. no.) and just generally sinks lower and lower, at least her supporters in (what my Google skills have determined is) Saugerties, NY are keeping the dream alive in song.

It looks like the entire village turned out for this project; my favorite part is the wholly unenthusiastic lineup of people holding Hillary signs at the end – there is nervous giggling as they unwittingly repeat the “Hillary in the House” chant. The video ends with a shot down an empty side street of the small town. Sad, or great filmmaking?

~[Have you ever gotten really drunk and the maybe dropped some acid and then ran through a suburban mall in a fat suit drinking Orange Julius and pretending to be a gay man even though you’re a straight woman? And then you wander into Spencer Gifts where you start pushing the “I can talk!” buttons on all the figurines they sell to no one, and you create a cacophony of putrid awfulness that gets stuck in the heads of everyone who hangs out in Spencer’s but never buys anything? And then you puke in the calendar stand, specifically in the section devoted to Cocker Spaniel calendars? Then maybe you run around in the parking lot waiting for you brother to pick you up in the busted mini-van you share, but he’s late because he stopped for $8 gas and a Dr. Pepper with vanilla syrup? I haven’t, but thats how this video makes me feel. – Uggs]

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Kitty Porn

Dude, PETA’s latest attempt to appeal to the “youth market” has been deemed “too racy” for most television stations. The video features Team America-style puppet-on-puppet action so HARDCORE that even MTV won’t carry it. Hilarious! Maybe they should have gone with Bob Barker instead.

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Pump it, Puppet!

I am kind of in love with this gyrating nerd-puppet.

That is all.

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Winona Forever but not while you’re at work.

So, we’ve been getting a crazy amount of search engine hits because of Cereal Mom’s post about Winona Ryder’s dating history. Because I think this is 1) redonk and 2) magnificent, I have decided to share a NSFW video that is taken from a film called The Ten. Be forewarned: if you know nothing of the Ten, or the film’s director David Wain, or the comedy troupe from which it all sprang the State, you should understand that most things that are funny in these films are uncomfortable,and make either great or terrible first date films depending on how awesome or prudish you are. I speak from experience.

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Memorial Day Find

One of my favorite things about DC is the architecture. If you just ignore the bureaucracy-made-manifest late 20th century federal office buildings it’s like they’re not even there. On previous trips to the Mall, I had noticed the Old Post Office on Pennsylvania. Apparently it became obsolete almost immediately after it was built in the late 19th century and faced the threat of demolition for 75 years before it was restored and reopened in 1983.

Yesterday on our way to inadvertently getting trapped on the Mall by Rolling Thunder, Mr. MiddleChild observed, “There are people up there.” So there were.

We took the elevator to the top of the bell tower (Free! Another great thing about DC) and were treated to a pretty spectacular 360 view of the District.

The Raspberry takes a decent shot.

It was really fun to pick out all the landmarks – monuments, museums, the Capitol, the White House, the airport, the Cathedral, Catholic University, the World Bank – all visible from just 270 feet up. The tower had helpful pictures identifying significant buildings (which is how we found the World Bank) and was not nearly as busy as most tourist spots, especially for a holiday weekend. I’ll definitely be going back.

A couple more cell phone shots after the jump.

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The Devil is younger than John McCain

The website Country Above Self (via Wonkette) is a place for true patriots to gather and hate their fellow Americans. In addition to a comprehensive list of Patriots (freedom-from-due-process-lover Alberto Gonzales tops the list) and Traitors (Danny Glover is second only to Ron Paul), the website has a few video gems like the one above.

I think it speaks for itself but just in case you are confused as to what’s going on up there, that’s anti-Barack/pro-McCain karaoke – fun for the whole family – to the tune of Devil Went Down to Georgia. Obama and McCain fiddle-fight for the golden fiddle of the presidency. Then Obama explodes at the end. I’m starting to detect a theme.

UPDATE: Apparently the tricksters who read Wonkette hacked Country Above Self to send Mr. Glover to the top of the Traitors list. Rest assured he has been restored to his original place: marginally less traitor-ly than Sean Penn. Also, the site thanked OP for its coverage. You’re welcome!

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Groupthink: Pleasure Princessiple

via Jezebel

Uggs: If I were in the Female Bunch, I would be the local rancher woman who rides a big stallion (no saddle, puhlease!), manages the branding process to run as efficiently as possible while maintaining our high torture standards, and generally having sex with wandering men (hobos, Manson wannabes, Charlie Sheen) before injecting them with my vagina poison and leaving them in a barn for dead. But not until after I’ve branded them, using my new Eco-Friendly “Less Smoke” brander. We feminists love the environment!

StyleBaby: Can we just talk about how, though this movie seems to be all ’bout the nekkid ladies torturing the somewhat nekkid dudes, ONLY ONE WOMAN GETS TOP BILLING?

CerealMom: Sexist and Manson family-related. But the female bunch don’t care about no gender parity! We just get our rocks off then cut their dicks off! Count me in as the the free-loving heroin hussy who eats/sleeps/fucks with her holster around her waist and a knife in her boot.

MiddleChild: I’m sorry, I just can’t get over the name. “The Female Bunch” is supposed to be some lawless group of freeloving maneating heroin addicts? Sounds like Paula Dean’s Sunday Brunch ‘n’ Bridge group to me. “We’re the Female Bunch, y’all!”

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Patchouli-Stank

To second SB’s post, the Green Fest totally sucked. Sure, you get lots of eco-swag, but putting up with self-righteous green hippie bullshit is not worth the complimentary forest-scented, paraben-, pthalate- and paba-free SPF 60 trial size body lotions in biodegradable containers.

Need proof? Here’s a conversation I overheard while getting a hot cuppa yerba mate from the Guayakí booth, which featured blaring drum beats or reggae jams and two white alterna-dudes and a dudette who simultaneously grooved to the sweet tunes while serving up some heady juice of the gods. I present to you: one hippie’s story of his first taste of yerba mate:

So I was over at my friends house for a jam session, you know, a little jazz. And he is always really into like expanding consciousness, and he hands me this green drink, and I’ll try anything so I tasted it and I was like WHOAAAA! I mean, I had never tasted anything like that–and I am from the Pacific Northwest. My palette was amazed. Like, never even in my past lives had I tasted something like that. It was truly Revolutionary.

In honor of this awfulness (and to survive the day without lacing someone’s patchouli with hydrochloric acid) SB and I composed a few haikus:

Men with ponys and

braids love indie magazines

what is up with that?

Extra PC peeps

Rather wait in huge line than

Use handicapped stall

Maybe I’ll submit them to Teas Tea haiku contest.

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Fergie pees on Heart (and in her pants)

Quick fact about me: I love Heart. As an 8 year old, I used to inappropriately sing “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You” and I’m sure I made a LOT of adults uncomfortable–a talent I’m glad to carry through my life to the present. My number one workout song is Barracuda. If I were to do Karaoke in a trucker dive in the south, I would sing Barracuda with with my ass kicking fro-mullet blowing in the breeze from an oscillating fan and all would hail me Queen PBR. In case you’re unfamiliar (for shame!) here is a vid of what real lady rocking looks like:

Quick fact about being a celebrity: It sucks when you make one mistake and people, especially bloggers, never let it die. But first, Fergie peed her pants(hahaha) and has now committed another pisser of a crime.

I think it then goes without saying that when Fergie appeared on Good Morning America and instead of singing My Humps she sang Barracuda, I felt that she was peeing not only in her pants, but on rock and roll, and more specifically, America.

But who the hell am I to describe this schadenfreudan experience better than my favorite blogger ever, Amelie Gillette, aka, the Hater.

Another thing about Fergie? She knows her audience. Most performers would stand on the Today show stage in Rockefeller Center, look out at the dozens of sweatshirted tourists holding signs, 8th graders on class trips, and families with small children who consider Al Roker’s humor to be “spicy,” and decide to tone down their act. After all, it is a morning show, and the kids are three feet away–maybe you should save your “suggestively stroking the middle-aged guitar player on my knees” bit for afternoon gigs. But not Fergie. She took one look in the embarrassed eyes of the kids at the end of the stage, and gave them exactly what they wanted: a 33-year-old pop singer on her hands and knees screeching and writhing mere inches from their faces, with only the thinnest layer of Lycra separating them.

How much red bull and meth do you think Fergie downed backstage?

[UGH – WordPress isn’t letting me embed the video, so here is a a link to the video (and commentary) on the Hater.]

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