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Posts Tagged ‘redonk’

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(Big ups to Matthew Yglesias)

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I need your teeth for my Federal Reserve!

Ben Bernanke is a magician.

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I officially want this guy to be my daily soundtrack.  Here is what he’d sing when I’m headed to Safeway:  “Going to the store, to buy some groceries!  I hope the line is not too long I’ve really got to pee.  I am buying milk, and I am buying cheese, and if the sale is right I’ll buy Febreeze!”

When I am feeding my cat:

“Eleanor my pet, you are so cuddly, I hope you do not pee on things, I hope you don’t get fleas.  I will pet your head, and feed you tasty treats, death comes in the night on kitty’s feets!”

Wanna try?

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I don’t care if it’s overdone and off-limits, I love Sarah Palin shit-talkin.

There are astute arguments that her nomination as VP is an insult to women, claims that her children should be off-limits for arguing why she isn’t fit to be a VP candidate, even though her entire candidacy revolves around being a mother, etc.

But whatev.  The best Palinatin’ is happening at the Palindrome.

This fake (but OH so realistic) blog is full of spelling errors and ohdontchaknowisms.  In short, KICKASS.

Wow. I have been learning so much in the last four days. The McCain campaign has mostly been teaching me about foreign policy, cause it turns out I am pretty good already on domestic issues like talking to angry school board presidents, figuring out how much of a raise to give to the highway superintendent, and of course I am basically Alaska’s expert on dealing with fishing permits 🙂

But to help with the foreign stuff, they made me some really great flashcards about friend VS. enemy countries. The pictures of animals are the best part. Almost every country has a traditional animal mascot, a lot like sports teams. You probably already knew that America is an eagle, but did you know that England is a friendly lion (kinda like Aslan), Russia is a bear, and Iran is a scorpion with the head of a goat??

Anyways, finding out that Russia (also known as the Soviet’s Union) is a “bear” made me think that hey, wait a sec, maybe i AM kinda ready for this foreign policy thing! I might not have gone on alot of trips away from alaska or talked to to very many foreigners (unless you count liberels!) but i have a heck of a lot of experience dealing with BEARS.  one of the parts of my job that i am most proud of is that I have led the fight in Alaska against polar bears. The Interior Department (aka Big Government) tried to tell us alaskans that polar bears are an “endangered species” because of something called “global warming.” Um, hey guys, have you BEEN to Alaska? It’s cold as heck! anyway, I sued them and basically said “Until you can prove that this global warming stuff is actually science (aka never), then let us do what we want with our bears.”

OK, so here is the best part. To say thank you to the people on the Mccain campaign who have been so great to me and my family over the last week, I have been working on a surprise for them. That surprise will be a policy statement about russia/bears that I will put into my acceptance speech at the convention! They are going to be so proud of me. I don’t have very much written yet but here is how it will start:

My Fellow Americans: I know what it is like to be afraid. Many of you might be afraid of things like not having health care, being left on Earth when the rapture comes, or even being killed in a war. Although none of those things are problems for me, I can understand your feeling of fear because of something we face every day in Alaska. That thing is called bears.

Then will come the part about Russia (I haven’t decided yet what policy to have about it–any ideas??).

Set your VCR’s to record my speech, and don’t tell John or anyone else on the campaign what I’m planning, ok? I want it to be a surprise.

PS I’ve been thinking about adding a line at the end that goes something like “Democrats say I have barely any experience. Well, I say to them that Joe Biden has BEAR-LY any experience!” I put it in because Todd says that as VP I have to be an “attack dog” but I think it might be too mean to the Democrats, after all it isn’t their fault that there aren’t any bears in DC.

I personally kinda wish that there were bears in DC.  But that’s a whole nother story.

I didn’t watch her speech last night though.   I had much more important business to attend to – like watching the premiere of America’s Next Top Campy Future Spacewoman.

Beam me up… fiercely!

Behold! The Glaminator 11.0!

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Michelle’s face is amazing.  She is #1.

Joe’s dance is awesome.  He is #2.

Barry’s grin is great, so he is #3.

But Hillary’s outfit, per usual, is distracting because her scarf + the outfit on the body makes it look like she is a court jester, so she is #4.

I wanna watch Zoolander SO BADLY.

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Chinese Poops

After months of research (the assistant kind), writing and editing, yesterday a giant project went out the door for review by an advisory committee.  While my Google Reader remains massively backed up (I actually had to unsubscribe from Perez – it’s just too much), I do have a little more me time at work.  At least until 10 days from now when the reviews will be in and we will have to blah blah boring work talk.  Let’s just say my plate is full.

The past three months of work have left me feeling a bit like I could use one of these:

h/t Mr. MiddleChild, who sent me this two months ago and that’s how long it’s taken me to blog about it.  Keep an eye out for my forthcoming follow-up post: Douches.

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This is my new favorite video by the people who brought you the video in which the Showbiz pizza band performs a song about having sex in a nightclub.

As always, my favorite part is the creepy ventriloquist wolf and his ability to blink his eyes separately.

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